Over time we have tried to capture the heart of our process in a series of easy to remember tips for busy mothers. These tips are useful whether you are expecting or already a mother.
- Let go of half the stuff you are trying to do.
- Don’t waste time with limiting beliefs.
- Always ask how you can get what you need, not why you can’t.
- If you want something to happen, schedule it.
- Remember that taking care of yourself has EVERYTHING to do with being a good mother.
- Stop to self-reflect … often.
- Decide what is non-negotiable in your life and stop negotiating with yourself and others.
- Act! Take one step towards what you want today.
- Live your values.
- Make your own rules.
1. Let go of half the stuff you are trying to do.
If you want to be a mother without losing yourself, you need to let go of a huge chunk of what you are trying to do. It’s vital that you have the energy, space, and time to BE there in your life. You will not stay true to who you really are if you spend all your time working through a list of tasks a mile long.
Quick Fix: Make a list of everything that’s on your plate right now and cross off half of it, just to see what it feels like. Think of it as an experiment. Take the perspective that you are letting go of some of your tasks “for now.” Live with and use the short list for one week. At the end of the week, notice how you feel, what was different in the past week, and if you really need to add back the tasks you cut.
2. Don’t waste time with limiting beliefs.
Limiting beliefs are a waste of time. The nature of motherhood - lack of sleep, lots to do and learn, and the shocking realization of the power and responsibility you have - can leave you feeling vulnerable. It becomes easy for doubt and negativity to resurface. It’s up to you to be vigilant and protect your life and its possibilities, choosing again and again what you want to believe. For example, the first time something doesn’t go the way you hoped with your child and you notice yourself thinking, “I’m not a very good mother” – toss that encroaching limiting belief out the window! Quickly say out loud, “I’m a great mother.” What you think is what begins to create your reality.
Just remember, don’t waste your precious time with limiting beliefs – yours or anyone else’s.
Quick Fix: When you are feeling like those limiting beliefs are crowding in around you, stop. Take a piece of paper and write down the limiting belief or negative thought that is bringing you down. Cross it out and write down the opposite belief or thought. Put the piece of paper in your pocket and refer to as necessary!
3. Always ask how you can get what you need, not why you can’t.
As a mother you are going to need a lot of things from a never ending stream of gear to baby sitters to pats on the back. You can spend your time thinking about why you can’t get what you need – “It’s too much to ask,” “They are too busy,” “I should be able to do this by myself.” Or you can spend your time strategizing on how you can get what you need. Put your energy into the solution and learn to ask for what you need.
Quick Fix: Get into the habit of asking how you can get what you need. Instead of complaining, wishing, or hinting around for something, simply ask out loud, “How can I get __________?” Whether you are asking yourself or someone else, say it just like that. We guarantee you will move towards a solution.
4. If you want something to happen, schedule it.
Life can move pretty quickly when you are a mom. It’s easy to think about the things you want to do but never actually get around to doing them, especially those close-to-the-heart things like sitting down and adding to your child’s scrapbook, having a date night with your partner, or getting the massage you promised yourself. Don’t let your good intentions go to waste. If you want something to happen, schedule it!
Quick Fix: Make scheduling a habit. Pick a recurring period of time – monthly works well for most mothers – to stop and schedule those things that will make your life fulfilling. Put a big reminder on your calendar or ask someone to remind you to actually do the scheduling!
5. Remember that taking care of yourself has EVERYTHING to do with being a good mother.
As a mother, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that it is okay if you come last. It isn’t. You need to be available for your child and your family; you need to be energized and whole; you need to feel fulfilled and complete so that you can give to the people you love.
Quick Fix: What is your “oxygen mask?” What are the things that keep you “breathing” so that you can take care of the ones you love? Narrow it down to the absolute essentials, then share them with your loved ones. Use the rest of the tips – asking how you can get what you need, scheduling what’s important to you – to be sure that you have everything to take care of yourself so that you can take care of everyone else.
6. Stop to self-reflect … often.
Time and the ability to self-reflect is a must-have as a mother. It’s the often overlooked key to keeping your head straight. The busy pace and ever changing nature of motherhood is best managed by frequent adjustment, proactive thinking, creative solutions, and a calm and clear mind. All of that comes from quiet self-reflection.
Quick Fix: If you find that your good intentions to self-reflect never seem to actually happen, try writing down three questions on a piece of paper to help get things started. Make copies of the questions and use them as worksheets – just scribble the date on top and any thoughts generated by the questions. Use as frequently as needed!
What’s working well?
What would make things easier?
What’s most important for the next day/week?
7. Decide what is non-negotiable in your life and stop negotiating with yourself and others.
Sometimes you have to be firm as a mother. Now’s the time to start practicing – on yourself! You deserve and require certain things for your life that are absolutely necessary – you needn’t second-guess yourself nor let others question it. Only you can decide what are the must-haves and then make no apologies or excuses about making it your priority.
Quick Fix: Pick one non-negotiable this week. It might be something basic (food, water, sleep), or it might be something that goes more to the heart of who you are. Communicate it. Talk to your partner or whoever else is involved, and let them know how important it is to you. Ask for their support in making it happen.
8. Act! Take one step towards what you want today.
Motherhood can be overwhelming – in the early years, just taking a bath and remembering to brush your teeth can feel like a monumental achievement. Somehow in the whirl of motherhood, a woman can forget that she is powerful, that she can make anything happen by taking one step at a time. All goals are easier when you break them down – usually you just need to figure out what the next step is.
Quick Fix: Identify what it is that’s overwhelming you. You do not need to know how to fix it; you do not need to know all the steps. Just choose one thing that you can do to take action on it. Later, take another step and another. Allow yourself to not know everything but to take action nonetheless.
9. Live your values.
Your values are an essential part of who you are and how you experience motherhood. You need to remind yourself what your values are so that you can bring them into your life as a mother. This is your opportunity to create a life around what truly fulfills you. Living your values is all about being conscious and letting what really matters drive your life.
Quick Fix: Do a sanity check on how you are living your values. Make a quick list of your values and rate well you are living each value on a scale of one to ten. Circle the value with the lowest score and make that the “value of the day.” Look for ways to honor that value in every aspect of your life just for the day!
10. Make your own rules.
It’s your life! Make your own rules. Be a mom on your terms. You have something unique to offer the sisterhood of motherhood. Bring your creativity, special gifts, and perspective on the world. Whatever you do, don’t settle. Don’t compromise. Make motherhood work for you.
Quick Fix: Be attuned to the things that aren’t working for you, and ask yourself, “If I had it my way, how would it be?” Then make up your own rules and see if it can be that way, after all.